Sunday, July 26, 2009
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Priests bathtime
Funny joke from adulthilarity.
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been Saved.”
“Saved? And how did that come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he?” said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more curiously.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That wicked old bastard” said the old nun. ”He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been Saved.”
“Saved? And how did that come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he?” said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more curiously.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That wicked old bastard” said the old nun. ”He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”
Monday, July 20, 2009
Weirdos on public transport story
Forget the twitching schizophrenic mumbling to himself on the back seat of the bus. There's now something much, much more scary about to jump on your train in the tube during rush hour.
Guerrilla knitters. Apparently this is not a Monty Python sketch. Nor is it 1st April. I've checked.
I can think of many reasons for refusing to relocate to London. This is just one more to add to an already long list. And it's another very good reason for not using public transport. I'll stick to my car thank you very much.
I suppose we should dub them the YRA - the Yarn Republican Army.
Guerrilla knitters. Apparently this is not a Monty Python sketch. Nor is it 1st April. I've checked.
I can think of many reasons for refusing to relocate to London. This is just one more to add to an already long list. And it's another very good reason for not using public transport. I'll stick to my car thank you very much.
I suppose we should dub them the YRA - the Yarn Republican Army.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
i thik i've made one of the biggest decision in my life today. maybe it's true when people said that growing up is all about making decisions. i won't write anything here. let the words spread by itself. now i know i am a very strong person.
anyways. i went out with tak kin earlier. went to silva. had a loooooong talk. tak kin always have the right thing to say. i don't know why.
after that, i went out with hafiz. went to starbucks and chat. that's about it.
i have class at 0800. i really have to get some sleep.
oh yeah, the proposal is done. i am so relieved!
anyways. i went out with tak kin earlier. went to silva. had a loooooong talk. tak kin always have the right thing to say. i don't know why.
after that, i went out with hafiz. went to starbucks and chat. that's about it.
i have class at 0800. i really have to get some sleep.
oh yeah, the proposal is done. i am so relieved!
The White House Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is the Chicago way.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is the Chicago way.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
No brag, just fact
In every company I have worked for since graduating college in 1980, I have had to fill out annual or bi-annual performance reviews. Now, I understand that there has to be a way of measuring progress, and back in the days when we actually got raises, there was even some motivation for doing this. However, in this time of great economic boom for the rich under the Shrub, and the time of 0-1% raises for us middle class white collar working stiffs, there just doesn't seem to be a real motivation for me to remember everything I have done for the past year.
First, how am I supposed to remember everything I did right over a whole year. I would have had to spend most of my time writing things down instead of actually working. And it takes a week or more to go through all my old notes just to determine what I did. Aren't released products and met schedules enough to satisfy management?
My boss said, when asked why we had to do this: "The forms are a pain, but they make it easier for management to review set of reviews more quickly. I need your input by the end of today."
For that matter, remembering tends to make me angry when I realize that I will, like most of the rest of the engineers in the company, get a 1% raise. I put in a lot of work, a lot of hours and a lot of my emotion into my project. That should be reward enough I suppose, if my job were one I loved. However, I do admit I work for the money, and programming computers pays too well. Raising and supporting children certainly changed my perspective on how much bullcrap I would put up with in order to keep a job.
Well, all of that said, and I still have a performance review to get to my boss by the end of the day...
First, how am I supposed to remember everything I did right over a whole year. I would have had to spend most of my time writing things down instead of actually working. And it takes a week or more to go through all my old notes just to determine what I did. Aren't released products and met schedules enough to satisfy management?
My boss said, when asked why we had to do this: "The forms are a pain, but they make it easier for management to review set of reviews more quickly. I need your input by the end of today."
For that matter, remembering tends to make me angry when I realize that I will, like most of the rest of the engineers in the company, get a 1% raise. I put in a lot of work, a lot of hours and a lot of my emotion into my project. That should be reward enough I suppose, if my job were one I loved. However, I do admit I work for the money, and programming computers pays too well. Raising and supporting children certainly changed my perspective on how much bullcrap I would put up with in order to keep a job.
Well, all of that said, and I still have a performance review to get to my boss by the end of the day...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
A Day in John's Life
Up not early enough. Hot milk with instant coffee and cocoa. (Masturbate sometimes) Shower, shave, dress.
Public transit to work- 1 hr.
Walk four blocks to office, run up stairs.
Starbucks at 9:00, half-decaf doppio machiato with work buds.
Lunch at any of a number of local places, generally Japanese, Chinese, Mexican, or Burger.
Public transit home.
Kids "Daddy Daddy Daddy" makes my day.
Kate either makes my day again or takes me down by whether she seems happy to see me or not. I know it's more about how much trouble the kids have given her but it's hard not to be affected.
Kids either already ate, eating now, or hungry. They're generally messy and wild, tired from the day and happy to see daddy.
Play with kids, try to talk to Kate over dinner, kids interrupting every second word. Glass of wine.
Bath time. Hard to get them in, harder to get them out.
Bed time, pajamas and stories. Kate takes Boy to get him to sleep, I tuck Girl in and read stories or else tell stories for a few minutes. Put "Story CD" on the boom box in her room for stories and songs to lull her to sleep. Usually get a "I'm thirsty" at the beginning but then usually she's out. Generally an easy and not too drawn out bedtime ritual. She's (almost) never scared or difficult to get to bed.
Kate is watching TV holding Boy. Eventually Boy goes down and TV show is over.
Either sleep or 23 minutes of wild sex.
Repeat.
Public transit to work- 1 hr.
Walk four blocks to office, run up stairs.
Starbucks at 9:00, half-decaf doppio machiato with work buds.
Lunch at any of a number of local places, generally Japanese, Chinese, Mexican, or Burger.
Public transit home.
Kids "Daddy Daddy Daddy" makes my day.
Kate either makes my day again or takes me down by whether she seems happy to see me or not. I know it's more about how much trouble the kids have given her but it's hard not to be affected.
Kids either already ate, eating now, or hungry. They're generally messy and wild, tired from the day and happy to see daddy.
Play with kids, try to talk to Kate over dinner, kids interrupting every second word. Glass of wine.
Bath time. Hard to get them in, harder to get them out.
Bed time, pajamas and stories. Kate takes Boy to get him to sleep, I tuck Girl in and read stories or else tell stories for a few minutes. Put "Story CD" on the boom box in her room for stories and songs to lull her to sleep. Usually get a "I'm thirsty" at the beginning but then usually she's out. Generally an easy and not too drawn out bedtime ritual. She's (almost) never scared or difficult to get to bed.
Kate is watching TV holding Boy. Eventually Boy goes down and TV show is over.
Either sleep or 23 minutes of wild sex.
Repeat.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
today was okay
i got outta the house at 0630. muaha! so semangat. then went to pick haikal up, had breakfast at syed, then we went for class. classes today was bloody boring. especially principles of public relation. 3 hours straight from 1400 to 1700 hrs. haih!
at the parking lot, as i was heading towards my car, i saw asma. we said hello and whatnots. she said, i'm sombong. haih! asma, saya bukan sombong, tetapi saya tidak mempunyai masa yang banyak. saya ada pelbagai assignment yang perlu disiapkan. hope you'd understand. it's not that i don't wanna call you but time does not permit me to even have a friendly chat with you cause i know, when we get together, we have to at least spent 3 hours of talking non-stop. so how like that? one of these weekends la okay? i hope so. muaha!
haikal is here. he's sleeping over. so kesian him, his proposal, he had to do it alone. the other two of his groupmate all got problem. so kasihan him!
hezzy! i'm still waiting for your call! call me la faster!
at the parking lot, as i was heading towards my car, i saw asma. we said hello and whatnots. she said, i'm sombong. haih! asma, saya bukan sombong, tetapi saya tidak mempunyai masa yang banyak. saya ada pelbagai assignment yang perlu disiapkan. hope you'd understand. it's not that i don't wanna call you but time does not permit me to even have a friendly chat with you cause i know, when we get together, we have to at least spent 3 hours of talking non-stop. so how like that? one of these weekends la okay? i hope so. muaha!
haikal is here. he's sleeping over. so kesian him, his proposal, he had to do it alone. the other two of his groupmate all got problem. so kasihan him!
hezzy! i'm still waiting for your call! call me la faster!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Well...It's about ten to three, and I'm extremely tired. I got home last night from Bryce's around 12:15...Well, that'd be this morning, I guess? And than I woke up at like, 11:30 this morning. Which is a lot of sleep for me. But that's okay. I had to go to Byerly's, and than I went to Target to get Easter presents. I feel bad, I bought my mom and step dad a present, but I had to use my mom's own money since I didn't have any! :/ Talk about bad. Heh.
I have to clean a lot today, I think we're having people over tomorrow for Easter lunch/brunch/dinner. I have to clean my room, my bathroom, the laundry room, and a bunch of other things too. I also have to do my english homework, and work on my Speech, too. Blah.
I think I'm getting a cold. That, or, my allergies are coming back. Phoeey.
Anyway, I have to go. If anyone knows of a good mini-golf course around here, lemme know! Thanks.
I have to clean a lot today, I think we're having people over tomorrow for Easter lunch/brunch/dinner. I have to clean my room, my bathroom, the laundry room, and a bunch of other things too. I also have to do my english homework, and work on my Speech, too. Blah.
I think I'm getting a cold. That, or, my allergies are coming back. Phoeey.
Anyway, I have to go. If anyone knows of a good mini-golf course around here, lemme know! Thanks.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Here's my score on the Viagra Erectile Disfunction Test
1. How do you rate your confidence that you could get and keep an erection?
3 Moderate
Usually I think I'm fine, but during phases of foreplay where I don't receive direct stimulation or where the stimulation is a bit off, I do go partly or sometimes fully soft.
2. When you had erections with sexual stimulation, how often were your erections hard enough for penetration (entering your partner)?
4 Most times (much more than half the time)
Sometimes though I have to stroke myself back to enough firmness to enter. If I've had a drink or two this is much more common.
3. During sexual intercourse, how often were you able to maintain your erection after you had penetrated (entered) your partner?
4 Most times (much more than half the time)
Sometimes this is difficult, especially if alcohol is involved, I have an elevated body temperature from the shower, or if it seems like she isn't having a great time.
4. During sexual intercourse, how difficult was it to maintain your erection to completion of intercourse?
4 Slightly difficult
Sometimes I'm just having a great time but then it seems like I'm getting less likely to orgasm.
5. When you attempted sexual intercourse, how often was it satisfactory for you?
4 Most times (much more than half the time)
My dissatisfaction is either if I go soft or if she seems bored.
Your score is 19
This quiz can help you and your doctor figure out if you may have erectile dysfunction (ED). If your score is below 21, it may mean you have ED. Your answers indicate signs of erectile dysfunction.
So it seems worthwhile to give Viagra a try. I just made an appointment with the urologist for 3:45 next Wednesday.
3 Moderate
Usually I think I'm fine, but during phases of foreplay where I don't receive direct stimulation or where the stimulation is a bit off, I do go partly or sometimes fully soft.
2. When you had erections with sexual stimulation, how often were your erections hard enough for penetration (entering your partner)?
4 Most times (much more than half the time)
Sometimes though I have to stroke myself back to enough firmness to enter. If I've had a drink or two this is much more common.
3. During sexual intercourse, how often were you able to maintain your erection after you had penetrated (entered) your partner?
4 Most times (much more than half the time)
Sometimes this is difficult, especially if alcohol is involved, I have an elevated body temperature from the shower, or if it seems like she isn't having a great time.
4. During sexual intercourse, how difficult was it to maintain your erection to completion of intercourse?
4 Slightly difficult
Sometimes I'm just having a great time but then it seems like I'm getting less likely to orgasm.
5. When you attempted sexual intercourse, how often was it satisfactory for you?
4 Most times (much more than half the time)
My dissatisfaction is either if I go soft or if she seems bored.
Your score is 19
This quiz can help you and your doctor figure out if you may have erectile dysfunction (ED). If your score is below 21, it may mean you have ED. Your answers indicate signs of erectile dysfunction.
So it seems worthwhile to give Viagra a try. I just made an appointment with the urologist for 3:45 next Wednesday.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I'm not one to blog lyrics, but this is just one of those times...
Is there nothing I can say
Nothing I can do
To change your mind
I'm so in love with you
You're too deep in
You can't get out
You're just a poor girl in a rich man's house
Yeah, baby, I'm crying over you
Don't you know promises were never made to keep?
Just like the night, dissolve in sleep
I'll be your savior, steadfast and true
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I'll come to your emotional rescue
Yeah, the other night, crying
Crying baby, yeah I'm crying
Yeah I'm like a child baby
I'm like a child baby
Child yeah, I'm like a child, like a child
Like a child
You think you're one of a special breed
You think that you're his pet Pekinese
I'll be your savior, steadfast and true
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I was dreaming last night
Last night I was dreaming
How you'd be mine, but I was crying
Like a child, yeah, I was crying
Crying like a child
You will be mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, all mine
You could be mine, could be mine
Be mine, all mine
I come to you, so silent in the night
So stealthy, so animal quiet
I'll be your savior, steadfast and true
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I'll come to your emotional rescue
Yeah, you should be mine, mine, whew
Yes, you could be mine
Tonight and every night
I will be your knight in shining armour
Coming to your emotional rescue
You will be mine, you will be mine, all mine
You will be mine, you will be mine, all mine
I will be your knight in shining armour
Riding across the desert with a fine Arab charger
Nothing I can do
To change your mind
I'm so in love with you
You're too deep in
You can't get out
You're just a poor girl in a rich man's house
Yeah, baby, I'm crying over you
Don't you know promises were never made to keep?
Just like the night, dissolve in sleep
I'll be your savior, steadfast and true
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I'll come to your emotional rescue
Yeah, the other night, crying
Crying baby, yeah I'm crying
Yeah I'm like a child baby
I'm like a child baby
Child yeah, I'm like a child, like a child
Like a child
You think you're one of a special breed
You think that you're his pet Pekinese
I'll be your savior, steadfast and true
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I was dreaming last night
Last night I was dreaming
How you'd be mine, but I was crying
Like a child, yeah, I was crying
Crying like a child
You will be mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, all mine
You could be mine, could be mine
Be mine, all mine
I come to you, so silent in the night
So stealthy, so animal quiet
I'll be your savior, steadfast and true
I'll come to your emotional rescue
I'll come to your emotional rescue
Yeah, you should be mine, mine, whew
Yes, you could be mine
Tonight and every night
I will be your knight in shining armour
Coming to your emotional rescue
You will be mine, you will be mine, all mine
You will be mine, you will be mine, all mine
I will be your knight in shining armour
Riding across the desert with a fine Arab charger
Friday, January 23, 2009
5 Vessels down the heart
I will never forget us, four in a row.
I've yet to let you all know how much this meant.
OK, today's Literature on-stage play was embarrassing
Clara, Marns, Charlotte and i were to be dancers
More for humour sake, like to Mr Bangs William Hung piece
So we did last minute practices and only had 3 hours of class
annnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd the sound system backfired
So it ended up with us four, 2 at each corners
Standing beside the play like 4 blue pillars.
What's worse was i was shaking; Like a polaroid picture. * lol
And what's..... WORSE was i could see char's beads of sweat
So basically we had chitchat on-stage. Instead.
Hahaha. OK, Whatever Joleen Loh.
But. I have to say this.
I really enjoyed the improvisions.
Had helluva great time in the last minute plunge
It felt like there wasn't a need for double-checks.
I'm swindled and smiling.
Oh, but Whitney really did a fantastic job!
And this girl from Elizabeth class, that i don't know the name
No? I thought she should have been mentioned too!
I liked the red phone booth
OK. I don't like my classroom anymore.
Firstly the impossibly-moveable Marie house Flag took place there
And now there's the
see-thru-wall-to-Telok-Blangah-flats-with-praying-man-orange-light
incident. Where it first looked like it prayed, then leaned forward
And these are my classmates, i should believe. Maybe.
Gwen, to name.
There's room-painting tomorrow
So there'll be that, and some last few bits of furniture
And my room will be a perfect getaway.
// Chaka Kahn - Through The Fire
One out, another one in. Maybe, stay for a change.
To you all. I feel so loved. Thanks
Existance changes everything.
I will never forget us, four in a row.
I've yet to let you all know how much this meant.
OK, today's Literature on-stage play was embarrassing
Clara, Marns, Charlotte and i were to be dancers
More for humour sake, like to Mr Bangs William Hung piece
So we did last minute practices and only had 3 hours of class
annnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd the sound system backfired
So it ended up with us four, 2 at each corners
Standing beside the play like 4 blue pillars.
What's worse was i was shaking; Like a polaroid picture. * lol
And what's..... WORSE was i could see char's beads of sweat
So basically we had chitchat on-stage. Instead.
Hahaha. OK, Whatever Joleen Loh.
But. I have to say this.
I really enjoyed the improvisions.
Had helluva great time in the last minute plunge
It felt like there wasn't a need for double-checks.
I'm swindled and smiling.
Oh, but Whitney really did a fantastic job!
And this girl from Elizabeth class, that i don't know the name
No? I thought she should have been mentioned too!
I liked the red phone booth
OK. I don't like my classroom anymore.
Firstly the impossibly-moveable Marie house Flag took place there
And now there's the
see-thru-wall-to-Telok-Blangah-flats-with-praying-man-orange-light
incident. Where it first looked like it prayed, then leaned forward
And these are my classmates, i should believe. Maybe.
Gwen, to name.
There's room-painting tomorrow
So there'll be that, and some last few bits of furniture
And my room will be a perfect getaway.
// Chaka Kahn - Through The Fire
One out, another one in. Maybe, stay for a change.
To you all. I feel so loved. Thanks
Existance changes everything.
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