Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " ... in God's name, Amen."

A Day in John's Life

Up not early enough. Hot milk with instant coffee and cocoa. (Masturbate sometimes) Shower, shave, dress.

Public transit to work- 1 hr.

Walk four blocks to office, run up stairs.

Starbucks at 9:00, half-decaf doppio machiato with work buds.

Lunch at any of a number of local places, generally Japanese, Chinese, Mexican, or Burger.

Public transit home.

Kids "Daddy Daddy Daddy" makes my day.

Kate either makes my day again or takes me down by whether she seems happy to see me or not. I know it's more about how much trouble the kids have given her but it's hard not to be affected.

Kids either already ate, eating now, or hungry. They're generally messy and wild, tired from the day and happy to see daddy.

Play with kids, try to talk to Kate over dinner, kids interrupting every second word. Glass of wine.

Bath time. Hard to get them in, harder to get them out.

Bed time, pajamas and stories. Kate takes Boy to get him to sleep, I tuck Girl in and read stories or else tell stories for a few minutes. Put "Story CD" on the boom box in her room for stories and songs to lull her to sleep. Usually get a "I'm thirsty" at the beginning but then usually she's out. Generally an easy and not too drawn out bedtime ritual. She's (almost) never scared or difficult to get to bed.

Kate is watching TV holding Boy. Eventually Boy goes down and TV show is over.

Either sleep or 23 minutes of wild sex.

Repeat.

Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message the front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About My Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

malt loaf apparently looks like poo...

if you nuke it in a microwave for while. This formed the basis of 'the poo gag' for mate of mine called Dangerous Dave(for his love of creating his own pyrotechnics).

Anyway Dave nuked an entire malt loaf and then proceeded to smear it around his uni halls toilet, using some smeared toilet paper for effect and stood back and waited.

One of Dave's mates came back from visiting his mum and dads for the weekend say the toilet and shouted 'which fucking cunt has shat all over the toilet?!' the shout called everyone in to the toilet and some the weaker stomached began to gag, much to Daves amusement